it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
