Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
