We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
