Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
