I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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