So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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