He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
