OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
