Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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