You're earring is so big in my mouth
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
