I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
what day is it and did you see me today?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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