Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
