i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
