my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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