Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
