well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
