If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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