dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
