Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
