if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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