hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize
