I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
