Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Couch. On fire.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
