I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
