my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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