just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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