i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
