Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
