I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
