those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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