Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
