Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
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