I heard we made out
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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