White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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