Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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