i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize