I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
