get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
