there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
