I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
