We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
