He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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