Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
