WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
