I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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