i was born a porn star she said
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
