Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
