i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I could fuck to npr.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
