Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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