I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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