True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
