i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
