i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
