just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
he had hair everywhere except his balls
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
