What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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