i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
