Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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