Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
