drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
