u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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