Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
