Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
