I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
