i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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