well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Randomize
