im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
