the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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