the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
